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Thank you notes

Liger!

Dear random friend's grandma,

Thank you for providing me with the best laugh of my day yesterday when I learned that you thought that the word "homie" was slang for homosexual.

Love and kisses,

Heather

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Dear wonderful author,

Thanks for being so cool and professional. You have no idea how rare that is.

Smooches!

Heather

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Dear iPod Touch,

How did I live so long without you? Thank you for being you -- also, playing the theme song to Duck Tales as I walked into work this morning was a masterful stroke of genius.

With admiration,

Heather

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Dear R line,

When I ride you home tonight can you endeavor to not have a rancid smelling person sit next to me? I almost booted this morning, no lie.

Seriously,

Heather

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Dear Wednesday,

Why aren't you Friday? If it weren't for Top Chef tonight, you would be banned.

Sternly,

Heather

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SparkleFairyUnicornRainbow!

Liger!
I have a not-so-secret secret. I read and loved Twilight years ago. The first book mainly. (Although I liked parts of the second one too.) I haven't read the third and fourth books yet -- I am a little scared to. I have heard scary things. That being said, I loved Twilight. Loved.

Which leads me to tonight and my eager viewing of Twilight the movie. You guys. YOU GUYS. It was so awesome. Some parts were genuinely good, and some parts were wretchedly bad, but even the wretchedly bad parts were FANTASTIC. I really don't intend to write a recap, but instead will merely jot down some quick observations of the event.

First off, a quick story. For anyone who's read the book, you know that one of the deep dark secrets that vampires harbor is their ability to sparkle like a Sunshine Crystal Princess My Little Pony doll when out in the sun. (Hence the reason they can't come out in sunlight.) I of course, was waiting for this moment in the movie. Y'ALL. It did not disappoint. Robert Pattinson glittered like a drag queen on Mardi Gras. And at the exact moment Edward and Bella were savoring his glittery visage? My friend whispered in my ear "A unicorn and a rainbow can fall in love, but where would they live?"

DIES.

Now for some quick comments:

Sideways baseball cap Emmett? Doofy doll.

What the hell was up with Jasper's hair?

The moment the white-clad (except for Edward, natch) Cullens appeared in the cafeteria. BOMBASTIC.

The moment with the apple -- cute.

Manic-depressive Edward? Perfection.

Piano playing montage to symbolize twoo loves? Hilariously bad.

"Hold on, my little spider monkey." ??!?

Oh crazy Jacob. Such bad hair, such overacting.

Why, why, why cast a dark-haired Italian man as Carlisle? And then give him a horrendous dye job? Why not hire a blond?

Vampiric baseball? Yes please.

And that is Twilight in a nutshell. What, you say? No mention of Bella? Eh, all right. But let's face it, no one is in this for Bella, right?

MOAR SPARKLE PLS.

Amazing...

Liger!
You guys. I saw the best documentary ever tonight.

WE ARE WIZARDS
.

If you live anywhere near the NYC area, and have any affection for Harry Potter fandom, go see it. (Only playing through this Thursday, November 20th!) I can't properly explain it, but man, was it amazing.

Harry Potter tribute bands abound, but judging by what I saw in this doc, Draco and the Malfoys is where it is AT. Also, I now have a deep, abiding love for Brad Neely.

LOVE.

In conclusion, I now want to reread all of the books and shout my love for HP to the skies!



Um. Hi?

Liger!
My last post here was a year ago. So much and so little has happened since.

Honestly, I am horrible about this whole posting consistently thing. I think it's because I feel pressure to always post something professional/witty/entertaining/edificating/etc.

I really need to get over myself. Seriously.

So, in an attempt to get back in the game, as it were, I plan to just post. That's it. Post what I want, when I want. Starting now.

Work = Going really good. I was in a bad place a few months ago, what with stuff being late, being overwhelmed with a workload that shouldn't have been overwhelming, an inability to delegate, etc, etc, etc. You guys, that has totally changed now. I am caught up, delegating, ENJOYING my job for the first time in months. I am so happy about that, I can't even tell you.

Also! We got e-readers! I am already knocking out lots of pending submissions (and boy are they pending right now...), and am loving my return to the digitized world. (At my last job everything was digital, here, not so much.

Home = I moved! Part of what added to my stress a few months ago was my former landlady. You guys, she was nutballs. She would go into my apartment when I was out of town and leave me notes telling me to fold my clothes or clean out the fridge. She TOUCHED my stuff! She wanted me to only take 10 minute showers. She wanted to approve all visitors and told me that if I had anyone stay longer than three days with me they would have to be vetted by her!! In other words, crazy. That being said, my lease with her wasn't up until next April, so I was planning to stick it out until then. And then? When I was out of town for RWA National at the beginning of August? She e-mailed me that her son needed my apartment and I would need to move out by September 1st. She knew I was out of town but assured me that I could start looking for apartments on Craigslist right away. GAH.

You guys, I have never felt such rage in my life. Of course it was totally illegal. By law, she needed to give me more notice, and I could have totally stayed there until the end of my lease as long as I continued to pay rent, and there would have been nothing she could do about it. That being said, I wanted to get the fudge out of there, and my new place is AMAZING. Same area (I love the neighborhood I live in), much better place. LOVE.

Miscellaneous = I am happy to be done with work-related travel for the year. Other than visiting friends for Thanksgiving and family for Christmas, I am in NYC to stay for awhile. I have a friend staying with me for a few months. (She just got a job in NYC -- YAY! -- and needs to save up a bit of money before she starts apartment hunting.) She's fallen in love with my neighborhood, so hopefully she will find a place nearby.

We both have the same regrettably awful taste in TV, so our lives are revolving around bad cable. Think I am exaggerating? Take a gander at this schedule:

Monday: Little People, Big World, Jon & Kate Plus 8, 17 Kids and Counting
Tuesday: Secret Lives of Women, Sex Change Hospital
Wednesday: America's Next Top Model, Top Chef
Thursday: 48 Hours Hard Evidence, Wicked Women, Deranged

Any and Every Day: NINJA WARRIOR and Unbeatable Banzuke. Much more on that subject to come.

I don't really know how to end this post other than to say that I will try to be a bit more consistent here, although I can't promise much more than recaps on my everyday life. It is barely interesting to me, so I don't expect it to be fascinating to you. That being said, I still welcome comments/questions/etc.

See you soon!
Liger!
Dear Livejournal,

I can't think of a blessed thing to post about today. I have been doing nothing but reading slush the last few days, but at least I did find a submission I wanted to see more of. One submission out of 20 or more, but hey, one is better than none. I kinda feel bad though, because I don't want people getting rejection letters on the holidays. Am I the only one that thinks of stuff like that? Sometimes I think I am a bit too paranoid for my own good. But I don't want to crush spirits on the holidays!

Oh man, I am watching Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving right now. That woman is a batshit-crazy lunatic. She just made mashed potatoes out of frozen bagged hashbrown chunks. Ones that were pre-seasoned. She dumped them into a bowl, covered them with a damp towel, and nuked them in the microwave. Then she mixed in butter, milk, and dried alfredo seasoning powder and mashed the hell out of them. It looks like freeze-dried vomit and likely tastes like it too.

I just don't get it -- Thanksgiving is all about going the extra mile and making a really nice, homemade meal -- why the hell would you dump frozen potatoes into a bowl and pretend they were homemade? How hard is it to boil a damn potato?? And have you seen Sandra's idea of a fancy dessert? A store bought angel food cake, a tub of cool whip and some rum extract? "They will think it is homemade!" Who is this "they" of which you speak, Sandra? People tragically born without tastebuds? Because cool whip is pretty damn recognizable.

In conclusion, face it Sandra Lee, everyone knows it isn't homemade. Just acknowledge it and move on. .

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Winter Roses, Part Fin

Liger!
Dear Livejournal,

I know you have been waiting with bated breath for the last Winter Roses recapalooza. When we last left our heroine her druggie, no good, lying and gossipy sister was found dead as a doornail in NYC. Seems homegirl had OD'd.

And now, for the last ten reasons you know (and love that) you are reading a Diana Palmer novel.

SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ BELOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED!!!
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1. The heroine needs to fly to NYC in order to ID her sister's body. She uses "all the money in her savings account" to do so. See previous posts wondering where her money has gone to.

2. The heroine meets and chats with a lovely couple sitting next to her in the "tourist class" section. Tourist class? WTF? Does she mean economy? Coach? Business? First class?

3.The heroine is interviewed by the cops and IDs the body. Then she is told by the officer in charge that she can go to her sister's apartment and collect her things. Apparently the scene has been processed already. Then once she gets there she starts thinking that she shouldn't take much because her sister's drug dealing boyfriend was also living there, and he might claim that everything was his to begin with. In a case where property and ownership is in question, why would the officer in  charge be all  "go and take it all!"?

4. Then the hero (who has flown in on his private jet to support the heroine in her hour of need) find a ton of jewelry on site. The heroine actually thinks "oh, maybe the police have set up a surveillance in the apartment to see who comes to claim the jewelry". Um. I am not even going to bother explaining why that idea is all sorts of crazy. DP must have thought that was crazy too, because she dropped the idea the next page and it was never mentioned again.

5. The heroine and hero find a funeral home and arrange to have her sister cremated. The heroine insists on paying for it herself. Good for her, I say, except there is a small problem. She spent all of her savings on a plane ticket from Texas to NYC!! Apparently she only had 400 bucks in savings... Anyway, where did the magical cremation money come from?

6. While at her sister's apartment the heroine picks up her sister's diary. and when she returns to Texas she discovers that it is actually a logbook recording drug dealing activity. In a very smart move (which I quite admired, actually) the heroine takes it to the Sheriff immediately. In with her sister's mail, there is also a letter from some attorneys making reference to a safety deposit box the sister took out. The Sheriff makes a big deal about wishing they had the key to the box, etc, etc, etc. I am wondering why he just doesn't have the heroine -- the sister's only surviving kin and inheritor of all the sister's possessions -- bring proof of her sister's death to the bank and get access to it that way. Seems much easier than lamenting a lost key. This also makes the Sheriff look lame.

7. The heroine attempts to make a cutting remark to the hero. Her big insult? "I'd rather get together with a snake!" You tell him, sister.

8. The hero gives the heroine (who is in NYC without a nightie, oh noes!) his idea of gawchus sleepwear. What is it you ask? A gown and peignoir set. Now the heroine looks just like Alexis Carrington. Hot and SEXAYY.

9. This one is awesome, you guys. SERIOUSLY. At pretty much the end of the book, for no reason at all, the heroine who was formerly an opera buff-slash-bookkeeper suddenly starts decrying her love for meteorites. METEORITES. I cannot fully express the randomness of this. It is quite literally about a two page rumination of her love for meteorites, including her collection back home in the boardinghouse, and then it is never mentioned again.

10. I really don't have a point ten, but I did want to mention for the record that I am absolutely shocked that there was not one mention of biscuits in the entire story. NOT ONE. I was seriously shocked.

In conclusion, isn't it obvious by now why I love Diana Palmer so? Her stuff is wonderfully nutty, and I seriously cannot get enough.

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Winter Roses, Part Deux

Liger!
Dear Livejournal,

So I finished Winter Roses. And lo, it was Diana Palmer-riffic. That is, it was crazy and insane and it made no sense and yet I still loved it. I took copious notes in order to recount the crazy for you, and I think I will split it into two posts (because that way I can have two posts! Am such a cheater.). But first! I have to tell you what I discovered reading this book! You guys!! Diana Palmer and her husband are hardcore gamers! Apparently they wondered what all the fuss was about when their son was into XBox and they bought themselves one and got totally hooked. That is so awesome. Too bad that progressive outlook is not seen in her books. Oh wells.

Okay, I think it goes without saying that this entire post is one big spoiler for Winter Roses, so please do not blame me if you read on and get spoiled.

SPOILER ALERT!

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Okay, now that that is out of the way, we can get down to business. When we left off in my last post, the almost 19 year old heroine has been crushed by the 30 year old hero being pictured in a tabloid with a young pretty heiress. So two years pass, and our almost 21 year old heroine has graduated from bookkeeping school and has taken over a CPA business from a heroine in a previous book who has babies now and therefore cannot possibly also work. She has several "big accounts" and is really busy, yet she is still on the edge of poverty and lives in the boardinghouse. No explanation given as to why, of course. (OMG, guys, this reminds me of the DP book about Tippy, a famous Hollywood actress -- I mean FAMOUS. In starring movies, compared to Julia Roberts, etc. Y'all, she was POOR in the book. Poor! Where the hell did all her money go, you ask? Her brother needed to be in a fancy boarding school. GAH. So so retarded. That is actually one of the few DP books I could not finish, it was so stupid.)

Anyway, I am not going to give you a blow by blow of Winter Roses, instead I thought I would list more things that make it clear you are reading a Diana Palmer book. So without further ado, ten more indications you are reading a Diana Palmer book, as found in Winter Roses:

1. The phrase "quite a dish" is used to describe the hero and heroine in equal measure. Said with a straight face by people my age and younger, no less.

2. Um, I am not quite sure if I should admit this, but I made a note that reads ""Flour" missing" and I have no clue what it is referring to. Um, Diana Palmer books all blend together, I guess? **AH HA! I remembered! The heroine's druggie sister (who lives in New York City) randomly tells her to give the local baker a message about a "missing" shipment of flour. She thinks that sounds a little odd, but is all whatever. Now everybody and their mother knows that Jacobsville is a hotbed of drug cartels and a pipeline straight from South America, I mean almost every other book in the Long, Tall Texan series has someone catching a new drug dealer, and yet the heroine is still all "maybe my sister who lives across the country helps out the local baker, teehee!**

3. Dude, this is one of the best things. In the middle of the book, the heroine who is out on a date with the Sheriff (NOT the hero, oh noes!) is at a town fundraising dance, and the Sheriff and another law enforcement guy challenge each other to a dance-off. The song of choice? The MACARENA. Since the Macarena craze happened in 1995 through 1997, one can only assume the heroine loved it when she was 8.

4. At one point in the book the hero sends the heroine a "look that could fry bread". Huh? I mean, I know there is such a thing as fry bread, but a look that could fry bread? WTF, yo?

5. Randomly in the middle of the book, we learn that the heroine always wanted to study opera. But she never wants to leave Jacobsville, so whatever, opera is not the kind of thing you study in a vocational college, and since you will be pregnant at 21, tough shit, heroine!. This opera obsession is a big theme in Diana Palmer books. In fact, in one of her earlier angsty books the heroine proves to the hero that she is not a dirty whore by singing Madame Butterfly. Yeah, you kinda have to read it to understand.

6. We casually learn at the start of the book that the heroine has a minor heart disorder, which precludes her from taking strong migraine medicine. This is mentioned once and only once, and has absolutely no bearing on the book. In fact, it is so not important that the hero and heroine never discuss it and the heroine will likely end up pregnant without ever mentioning it either. Heart conditions are also a running theme in DP books. At least 1 out of every 3 stories deal with them in one way or another.

7. The hero has pale, icy eyes. Occasionally they glitter cruelly. Or cuttingly.

8. Midway through the book (right before the Macarena danceoff) the heroine tells her best friend she hasn't talked to her druggie sister in 2 months, and then a few days later, at the party, she tells someone else she talked to her a week ago. Typical attention to details there.

9. I mentioned this above, but I will reiterate it here. The heroine had a successful CPA business dropped into her lap, I think it is even mentioned that she may be one of the only options in town, and yet she still lives in a boardinghouse and has no money. She has no relatives except druggie sister, and she isn't sending her money, so where the hell is her income going?

10. and oops, now she has no relatives, because, oh noes!, her sister is dead, y'all.

In conclusion, stay tuned for Winter Roses, part the last, coming tomorrow!

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So so sleeepy

Liger!
Dear Livejournal,

I finished reading the Diana Palmer book, and I even took notes so that I could hit the highlights in a post. But I am so very sleepy right now that I think I will have to save it for tomorrow.

I know, I know, you are absolutely devastated that you have to wait. I will try to make it up to you.

In conclusion, time for bed.

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Liger!
 Dear Livejournal,

I don't know why that little ditty popped into my head. Seriously, the only thing Santino Rice added to Project Runway were his awesome songs about Tim. 

Speaking of Tim, I just finished watching Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. The woman being made over tonight was one of Tor's Publicity Directors! Although I didn't see major issues with her style before she was "remade", I do have to say that she looked fan-frickin-tastic when they were done. So, so beautiful.

In other news, I went to the bookstore today (payday, woohoo!) and bought a few books I was dying to read. Have I told you guys about my sad and sick obsession with Diana Palmer? She was one of the first authors I can actually remember purposely buying in the late 80's. Back when I was 14 or 15 and just bought romances by the bulk, with no real discernment. But for some reason I loooooved me some Diana Palmer. And I sort of still do.

You guys, I am ashamed, and yet...I still buy all of her books. And I just bought Winter Roses, her very first Harlequin Romance (since Harlequin folded the Silhouette Romance line into the Harlequin one). Oh man. It is such a guilty pleasure read, I cannot even tell you. 

How is it a Diana Palmer title? Let me count the ways. In the 30 or pages I have read we have already discovered:

1. The heroine is allllmost 19.
2. Her alcoholic, abusive father died a month ago, and yet when talking about her father's death, it is as if it happened months and months ago.
3. Her older, selfish, drug-addicted (uppers and downers and crystal meth, y'all!) sister is taking all of her rightful inheritance, having bamboozeled her father into thinking the heroine is a dirty slut.
4. She is living in a boarding house with another impoverished lady and a landlady (and yes, this is a contemporary).
5. She is in school to become a bookkeeper. Not an accountant, a bookkeeper. Party like it's 1967, everybody!
6. Her best friend evah is very wealthy and has a much older brother who disapproves of the heroine because he thinks her family is trashy and she is likely to take after her druggy sister. (As an added bonus, the hero is described as being "dishy" by our almost 19 year old, contemporary heroine.)
7. She agrees to go to her friends estate for the weekend because said hero is "out of town". Cue ominous music.
8. We learn heroine, who is not pretty, but not ugly either, with blond hair and green eyes, is prone to migraines. Cue ever more ominous music.
9. Heroine, oh noes!, has a migraine.
10. Stumbling out of bed in the middle of the night, blinded by pain and nausea, she runs into the hero. A douchebag.
11. Hero looks at her lacy nightgown, instantly decries her a harlot, and kisses her punishingly.
12. Have I mentioned said hero is 30 years old?
13. Hero finally responds to heroine's frantic cries of no by pulling back and noticing she is pale, white, and sweating. And not because he is so hot.
14. Hero gets some medication inside heroine, they banter playfully a bit, and then hero realizes that his magnificent charm has likely made the heroine fall in love with him. But oh noes! She is only 18! And she is not pretty! And she is not rich! And her daddy beat her! What is a hero to do?
15. Why, hook up with some floozy and get pictures taken by the tabloids of course. That will surely make our lovelorn heroine realize that he is not a marrying kind of man.
16. Lovelorn heroine sees the pictures and realizes the hero is not a marrying kind of man.

In conclusion, I cannot WAIT to see what happens next!

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So happy.

Liger!

Dear Livejournal,

Today was the perfect day. A great day at work with projects accomplished and e-mail finally working (for now), followed by a leisurely trip home, perfect cool fall weather, and a perfect lazy dinner. And best of all, the double delight of a new episode of America's Next Top Model (man, Tyra gets bitchier every season, doesn't she?) and the long awaited start of the new Project Runway.

You guys. I am so happy right now.

In conclusion, I love Tim Gunn and want to be his friend.

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Liger!
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